Who Will Hold Your Story?
Fifteen years ago, my good friend Sylvine called me to tell me that she has just been diagnosed with cancer. We talked for a while, and then hung up.
Two weeks later Sylvine called me back and asked what happened? I was confused. She went on, “I told you that I have cancer, and you didn’t call me again… What is going on?” I told her honestly that I didn’t know what to do, and so did nothing. I asked her to tell me what to do. How could I be helpful?
Sylvine was very clear. She told me that she wanted me to call her every day. Every day… No problem. I could do that!
So, for eight years, I called my friend every day. Sometimes it was a short call on the way home from work, and sometimes we stayed on the phone for over an hour discussing all the details of our day.
By talking with Sylvine every day our relationship changed. It grew stronger — much stronger. She went from being a good friend, to being my closest friend. The texture of our relationship changed dramatically. Like a knitted scarf, the weave grew tighter and tighter, the bonds stronger, and the warmth much deeper. We held each other’s stories, knowing all the details. We laughed over silly things that happened, and cried as her illness progressed.
When Sylvine died, I realized that she had given me the biggest gift I had ever received. She taught me what it means to be a real friend, to be fully engaged and responsive, even when it isn’t easy.
Yes, being a great friend isn’t easy. There are lots of things that conspire to interrupt our friendships. People move away, we all get busy with work and family, and our interests may diverge over time. It is easy to rationalize that we don’t have time to maintain a friendship.
Honestly, we don’t have time not to do so.
Developing deep friendships is the most important thing you can do to live a meaningful and more healthful life. Numerous studies have shown that those people who have close friendships live longer than those who don’t. Close friendships result in stronger immune systems, lower stress levels, improved self-confidence, and increased happiness.
Friendships are considered a “social vaccine” that inoculates us, improving our physical and mental health. Studies have shown that having close friends is even more important than exercise in improving our general health. And happiness is much more closely tied to friendships than to how much money we have in the bank.
Unfortunately, we live in a world that is becoming more superficial by the minute, and the number of reported close friendships is declining in the United States. Many people measure their friendships by how many people “like” a photo or send digital birthday greetings. And, so much communication goes on via text messages and email, which lack all the nuances of a real conversation. It is much more difficult to see that the other person is upset, that they are delighted, or that they are giving you a caring nod that we have evolved to know means that they are really listening.
What is a real friend?
The urban dictionary states that, “a friend can tell you that you are being stupid but doesn’t make you feel stupid.” I say that, “friends celebrate each other even when others don’t. They are the first people you call when things go well and when they don’t.” They are the people who you trust with your successes and your disappointments.
How many friends do you need?
Robin Dunbar, a British anthropologist, studied relationships and concluded that we can only maintain social relationships with about 150 people at any one time. This is known as the “Dunbar Number.” These relationships fall into layers with differing amount of emotional closeness. The innermost layer with 3–5 people has the strongest emotional bonds. The next layer has about 15 people, with slightly lower emotional connections, the next layer has about 50 people, and the outermost layer is composed of about 100 loose social connections. Maintaining these connections — especially those in the inner circle — takes a lot of effort.
A couple of weeks ago, I led a workshop related to my book, What I Wish I Knew When I Was 20, in which I asked participants of all ages to consider the things they wish they knew when they entered college, moved to a new city, or started a new job. There were some interesting suggestions, such as buy a good vacuum cleaner and identify all the public restrooms. However, the bulk of the responses had to do with forming and maintaining friendships. In our discussion, the participants felt strongly that no matter what is going on in their lives, having deep and lasting friendships allowed them to thrive.
As someone who graduated from college almost 40 years ago, I can tell you that most of the meaningful relationships I have are with those people who I have known for decades. We hold each other’s history, know the entire trajectory of each other’s lives, and see our current successes and disappointments in a much larger context. Friendships gain surprising depth over time, like a collage with layers and layers of collective memories.
I remember reading a Barbara Kingsolver book many years ago, called Pigs in Heaven. In it a Native American man returns to his community decades after his youth and strength are gone. But, his community still sees him as the bold young warrior he was decades earlier. That image is a powerful reminder that our old friends have a picture of us in their mind that spans a lifetime. They see an ever-changing sum of who we were in the past and who we are becoming, and that continuity strengthens us from the inside out, and we do the same for them.
Yes, new friends are wonderful, and we should always welcome new people into our lives, and start new collages of memories. But, don’t miss the opportunity to build on the foundational friendships you make in your youth. Like the foundation of a house, they support you and give you strength.
Who will be hold your story, and whose story will you hold? Who will you talk with every day?
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